so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
