So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
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