yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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