I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
you didnt know i had herpes?
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I think a kid would responsible me up
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
