I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
