YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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