I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
