i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Randomize
