So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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