he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Randomize
