Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
