saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
