So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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