I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
