I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
