I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
sarcasm needs its own font
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
