Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I think my moral compass just broke
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