you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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