peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
