No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I think I sprained my soul last night
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize