dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
