then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
