I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
