mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I want to walk on stilts...naked
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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