I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
