It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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