i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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