Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
