Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
