i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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