really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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