Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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