I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
