I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize