Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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