Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
