Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Randomize
