My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Randomize
