no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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