What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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