Just cropdusted the office
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
