I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize