alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
