Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
