This is not my ceiling
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I touched a dick in church today
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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