the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
