You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
