I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
