She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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