You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
