You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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