hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
