after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
