There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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