sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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