On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
