Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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