I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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