totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
