You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
