Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
