He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
