I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
