I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Randomize
