I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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