she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
