Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
