A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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